The Fear, (or) The Uncertainty

No, my car's not sold. The title has not yet arrived. And as of right now, it looks like I may be driving that thing into the ground. SIGH. I don't even really know what that phrase means.

In the past week I've been thinking about my future. Yes, that's almost a constant thought, but I began seriously planning steps. Began thinking things through more.

What do I want to be? I want to be an actor. But I've also always had a large heart for philanthropy. I want to do something positive, something that really changes people's lives.

A friend of mine knows someone who went to Bangladesh for a year and worked at an orphanage. Her only assigned duty was to teach two classes each day, but she found that the real reason she was hired was to love the kids. She'd just spend time with them, play with them, hug them...Now I've never been someone who loves kids, but I've found doing massage therapy that my favorite clients are younger. Like eleven or twelve. Parents often ignore muscle pains in that age group for being growing pains and don't realize how good massage is for them. Massage also helps children develop the part of their brain that processes love. Well, physical touch does this, but massage can really help kids catch up. It's recommended by child psychologists that kids adopted from other countries receive massage so they become well-rounded individuals.

And so my heart wants two things: to go to the Yale school of drama and to go to Bangladesh.

Let's ignore for a second the fact that I will probably not get into Yale. This fall, my last year at Walla Walla, I'll apply to several masters programs, including Yale. I may be asked to fly to Chicago or San Fransisco to audition. If I get accepted, I'll go to Yale next fall. If I'm not, I'll re-apply next fall and need to audition again then.

If I go to Bangladesh after I graduate I would not be able to audition when I needed to. SIGH. And, no, Yale does not defer. Let's be honest, I'd choose Yale. But what about my soul? Will I be caught up in the cycle of needing to work on establishing my career? Will there be a "convenient" time in my life to go serve? I doubt it.

123, that's the time...

I have yet to get my car title. It'll hopefully be here in time for me to sell my car then head up to school.

On a side note, I went shopping today at a mall for the first time all summer. Not much has changed. The stuff I am drawn to is way out of my price range, and the stuff in my price range looks cheap. It is cheap. It makes me wonder who has been exhorted to keep prices so low. Yes, mass-production lowers cost. But, really? $2.90 for a pair of earrings that were made in Asia? Yeah. Not buying 'em.

I feel better spending a lot of money on something. Somehow the price tag is insurance against other people getting screwed, although I know it doesn't work that way. Expensive brands can easily be exhorting their employees, and then also exhorting the customer. Much worse, although the quality is usually better for more expensive things.

I didn't buy anything at the mall.

I went to Jo-Ann Fabrics and bought two patterns. I plan on using the fabric I have to make some awesome things. Who knows if I'll ever get around to making them, but now I have even more incentive not to buy new clothes.

Now I just need to learn how to make hot shoes. Mmm.

Boxy!

Today was a good day. I had good food, did a good deed, and got creative. If all those were combined into one thing it would be epic. Alas, it was not an epic day.


My mom and I went to the Portland Farmer's market. Oh, food. That's what I should have taken pictures of. The vegan blackberry cheesecake, the bread, the peaches, the golden raspberries, the strawberries, the blueberries, the blackberries, the flowers, and the purple-and-orange carrots that looked all tie-dyed when bitten. Ah! So delicious.


I also took a coworker's shift today 'cause it was her birthday. Yep. I only get one day off this week. Yaaay. But it was a full work day, so that's good.


Before I went to work, however, I got got creative. See, on Thursday my mom and I had taken some shoes to the shoe repair place so they could get repaired. We picked them up today and my shoes are beautiful once more. Including three pairs of my boots. When I get home, I see a small wooden crate that I recently purchased at the Goodwill Outlets and thought, "I should put my boots in there!" but I didn't want the rough crate to scratch my boots. So I lined the box with fabric! The process took about an hour, but it was simple. I chose the fabric out of my obese fabric box and ironed it twice--cotton should be ironed on high steam. Then, I made newspaper patterns, cut out the fabric, and used an upholstery stapler to adhere it to the inside of the box. I love using those things; they have a lot of power.


Voila! I finished lining my box. Then I decided it was too small for my boots, but that it was perfect for my copious amounts of yarn.

Oh, and I did break for cookies--instead of eggs I used tofu, and they were delicious.

Because if it were easy, I wouldn't have a blog.

Today I journeyed to the DMV with borrowed money to get a new title for my car.
Since I'm trying to improve myself, I read "The Total Money Makeover" while I waited at the DMV. Of course Dave Ramsey (the author) would say how borrowing money kills relationships. Hmm. Sorry, Dad, we'll never be close, I guess.

Anyway. After waiting about an hour my number gets called. I take my completed form up to Counter #9, and behold! My dad is the legal owner of my car. I can't get a title. Oh, and once I get him to sign the form, it'll take four weeks for the new title to get to me. So I can't sell my car for four weeks. UGH.

The good news, I guess, is I can give the money back to my dad and then not borrow from him again.

But I really, really want to sell my car. It feels like a need. I need to sell my car. I'm thinking of all the money I'll save not paying for gas and how fit I'll get riding my bike and I realize that I could just stop driving my car and start riding my bike. Hmmm.

To console myself over this annoying roadblock, I'm finally transferring my files from my old desktop to my laptop so I can sell the desktop. I'm not expecting to get much for it--it's almost 6 years old--but if I can get a couple hundred that would be good. It works fine, has a wireless card, but it doesn't have much memory and they don't make the memory cards for it anymore. Craig's List again! Huzzah!

I am contemplating selling more of my personal library, although that seems very sad and almost pointless--I will probably buy the books later, right? Or will I? Do I need Nabokov's ficionalized autobiography or Shel Silverstein's poetry? Do I need my textbooks from massage school? Will I ever actually read the Koran? How many Bibles does one need? Or shoes, for that matter? I currently own seven pairs of boots--three brown, two black, one white, and hiking. I have four pairs of tennis shoes. And the five boxes of fabric? Well, I better start sewing.

Alright. Time to transfer some more files and create an ebay account for old textbooks. Hopefully this all works.

Less Complicated

I'm on my way to having a simpler lifestyle. And, hopefully, that will simplify my life. I don't like having to deal with malfunctioning cars or packing tons of stuff or not fitting into clothes.

Today, I filled another box with stuff to go to Goodwill. I also tossed a bunch of random papery things I had been saving to someday to a collage. Really? A collage of magazine cutouts? Yes, that'd be great if I were an active collager, but I've NEVER been that. I've never been the scrap-booking type either. Perhaps I'm not very sentimental. But it was hard putting a couple of my stuffed animals in the Goodwill box.

Tomorrow, I will get a new title for my car and call the guy that showed interest in looking at it--and hopefully buying the thing.

What I have yet to do is faithfully exercise. As I write this, I'm dressed for going on a run. I meant to get to they gym (yes, I'm paying monthly for a gym membership) today and go to a pilates class and then a yoga class, but that just didn't happen. Now it's "late," so I wonder if I should just jog around my neighborhood. I procrastinated very well--part of the reason I got so much done today (I also did laundry) was because I was not wanting to exercise. Yet just today I went shopping with a friend (I bought a pair of shoelaces. I know, big splurge. They were a dollar. And, yes, I have a pair of shoes that need new laces) and tried on a lot of clothes and my main complaint was that they didn't fit or were unflattering 'cause of my current fitness level.

If my car sells, I'll probably get more in shape. I'll have to bike to work.

And it continues...

The ad I posted on Craig's List last week? Well, it didn't actually go up. So last night I made sure to post it correctly and I've already had a couple responses. I have yet to respond to those, however, because I can't find the title of my car. Hm.

Today will involve a trip to the DMV. Yay.

On a happier note, I've been enjoying my smaller wardrobe. It's easier for me to pair things together and I haven't missed anything. My bookshelves are still overflowing, and there are many books that I am getting less and less attached to and more ready to sell. Yet there's still the Third Category of my belongings: Not A Book or Clothing Item. This is where I really need to downsize: the pointless knick-knacks, the random junk, the "What IS this?" item...